Myths of Life – Identifying and Removing the Myth of Limitation

I particularly liked this quote which reminds me of how we come to know our Being – through relationship – not just with other beings but our physical, social, spiritual, natural and ideological relationships.

“The universe is one great kindergarten. Everything that exists
has brought with it its own peculiar lesson. The mountain teaches
stability and grandeur; the ocean immensity and change. Forests,
lakes, and rivers, clouds and winds, stars and flowers, stupendous
glaciers and crystal snowflakes every form of animate or inanimate
existence, leaves its impress upon our soul.”

Orison Swett Marden, 1850-1924 (Adapted)
American Author and Magazine Founder

How does  a person’s sense of self change through their perception of how others see them in a partnership?

I spoke with a client recently about how uncomfortable they became infront of their friends because of their new partner’s behaviour.  Their new partner of a month was expressing his strong opinions on a subject, involving him divulging more personal information than my client was comfortable with.  In exploring this, she initially focused on the appropriateness of his self-disclosure, his insensitivity in taking centre stage and lack of respect for the listeners’ potential embarrassment at the details.  I asked her ” Describe what you are feeling as you tell me this story?’  She replied ‘I feel embarrassed – what will my friends think of me?’

In exploring this not uncommon situation, it appears that the client was not so much concerned about ‘his’behaviour as how ’she’ was seen infront of her friends – since he was her choice of partner and was acting in a way she would not have chosen for herself.  In trying to make sense of her difficult feelings of embarrassment, she was appealing (by her actions) to social myths that ‘it was inappropriate to behave like this’ – when in fact the real discomfort was that she was forced to see herself differently as she anticipated her friends would judge her by her choice of ‘him’.

Our relationships with others offer daily opportunities to come to know the unfixed nature of ourselves – our interactions with ‘our world’ including the world of others and ourselves in relation to them, reflect the phenomenological and existential nature of our existence.  With this in mind, what opportunities exist to change stuck or fixed views of ourselves – and others – that no longer serve us!

Are you denying your freedom when you believe there is an enduring rightness in your decisions which will lead you to a point beyond which you won’t need to look any further?

Example

Imagine a woman who has entered a new relationship, believing this to be ‘the one’ which will last a lifetime.  She compares it to past relationships and is gripped with the overwhelming sense of rightness of her decision to be with the other person.  The feeling is so overwhelming that she states, with complete certainty, that she will always be together with this person.  Three years down the line, she rethinks her decision and considers that she might be better off on her own.

This example indicates how a feeling of rightness in a decision ‘at one time’ may be translated to ‘rightness for all time’.  An overwhelming feeling of certainty at one time is just that – it doesn’t mean that it will feel that way or turn out that way for all time.  This is because we cannot be certain about the thoughts, expectations, motivations and actions of others.  Also, we cannot be sure how ‘we’ will act, think or feel about things in the light of information to which we did not previously have access.

People engage in various activities to stave off the anxiety of their uncertain existence.  People engage in religious activity believing that there is an objective authority outside of themselves which preordains how things should be.  Others develop elaborate routines in their lives to increase a sense of predictability and control.  Others act out of an imposed sense of duty, believing there is a sense of rightness in how they should act.  Culture and norms further hoodwink us into believing that things can be made certain.

Uncertainty is an existential reality and to avoid it results in existing in a mindless way with more anxiety in the long run.  Anxiety is the cost of living a meaningful life, one which is uncertain and which implores us to take full responsibility for our existence.

Self Reflection Exercise

Think of examples in your own life where circumstances revealed to you that life was uncertain.  How did you manage the inevitable anxiety this provoked and how do you now live with the reality of uncertainty?