Myths of Life – Identifying and Removing the Myth of Limitation

Relationship counseling helps individuals understand themselves and their relationships better. Socially, a relationship is typically considered to be that between two individuals who are intimately and psychologically connected as a ‘we’. Social and cultural expectations of what it is to be a ‘we’ are seen existentially as social limits to choice within relationship. These expectations are effectively myths – unquestioned assumptions of how we should, ought or must be in this thing we call ‘relationship’.

Relationship Counselling from an existential perspective encourages the couple or ‘we’ to put aside traditional notions of how they should think, feel and behave. Instead, it encourages them to examine how they are in relationship to their partner and their unique experiences of their created co-construction called ‘their relationship’. A shift from the word ‘relationship’ to ‘relating’ allows for dynamic, self-chosen ways of relating to another and opens up pathways to expand our ways of creating this potentially rewarding dimension to our existence through ‘relationship’.

How often do you hear the words ‘She/He did this and I felt….’?  It implies that a person feels a certain way because of someone else’s actions.  What if this was a myth?  What if these simplistic explanations merely trivialise the human experience, reducing understanding of ourselves and our worlds to cause and effect relationships?

I recently saw someone tenaciously hold to their story that a person’s actions resulted in them feeling very angry and upset. Despite much discussion, the person struggled to see things differently.  It was not until they considered that it was not the ‘person’ who caused them upset, but their own anger at continually attracting this type of interaction into their life, that they were able to see what was really going on.

Where in your life are you denying responsibility for your actions by blaming others for how you feel or act?

A friend of mine recently introduced her new boyfriend to her family.  The meeting went well and upon leaving her mother said ‘I am so glad to see you happy now – you deserve someone nice’.  Her reply was ‘But I am happy already – how come you are saying ‘it’s nice to see me happy now”.  Didn’t you experience me as happy before?’  The mother admonished her daughter for being too sensitive, saying ‘you know what I mean – I just want you to be happy’.

This conversation highlights some very powerful myths about romantic love.  Presumably (if I dare do this in a discussion on myths), some deeply held beliefs exist in the mother’s statement e.g. it is preferable to be in a committed relationship, a woman (or person) is better off not being single, it is good to ‘end up’ with someone after being alone etc.  These are all deeply held social and cultural myths of a preferable state of being.  It objectifies individuals (in this case my friend)  and potentially influences partners ‘in – relationship’ to relate  through a stereotypical lens of their perceptions of what  a ‘committed relationship is’.   It ignores our phenomenal state of being and co-construction with the ‘other’.