Myths of Life – Identifying and Removing the Myth of Limitation

How to change things after committing to a course of action

Are you denying your freedom when you say you can’t change certain things in your life once you have committed to them?

Example

Imagine a person who has signed up to complete a four-year degree course. After two years, he realises that he is neither enjoying the subject material or potential ways in which it could be used in later employment. He finds himself in a dilemma. He discusses this with friends and academics who highlight the costs of leaving the programme in terms of time, money and opportunity. He then argues with himself over what he would gain if only he completed the programme, even if against his better judgement. He tries to explain this to his parents who criticise him for not honouring his commitments and wasting the money they contributed to his studies. How does this person make a decision without an objective rightness of what is best for him?

When we consider changing things which have previously committed to, anxiety arises as we ponder ways in which we can be true to our desires and yet not self-critical or overwhelmed with concerns over lost opportunities. In this, we are subject to the Commitment Myth – the unquestioned assumption that it is impossible to change certain things in our lives once we have committed to them.

In the above and similar examples, the person involved is often caught in the grip of intolerable anxiety as they face the decision of either changing in line with some internal sense of rightness or continuing with the status quo. Some examples might appear more difficult and subject to greater social pressures. What about the person who wants to leave their partner and children or the person who promised their aged parent they would look after them for the rest of their lives?

Embracing our freedom to create ourselves as we might want gives rise to enormous anxiety since we alone must take responsibility for our choices and not point to others or external social pressures for not doing so. Martin Heidegger talks about the ‘Call of Conscience’ which arises when we deny our freedom to choose, live inauthentically and are subject to existential guilt.

Self-Reflection Exercise

Think of an example from your own life when you were faced with the decision to make changes to something which you had previously committed to. Try to pinpoint the sources of the anxiety and how you overcame the dilemma.

Are you denying your freedom when you believe your particular life circumstances mean you can’t change?

Example

Every week millions of people buy a lottery ticket, believing that if they won a million dollars they could make all the changes to their lives they so desire.  Every week, millions of people are disappointed and point to the lack of resources for their predicament. They deny the possibility of radical change, believing that this is only possible if somehow they could shed their debts, their work and commitments. Additionally, a significant percentage of winners find themselves back in the same financial position they were in a few years down the line.     Why do so many people relegate responsibility for not changing to outside forces, pressures and circumstances?

Isn’t it bewildering that, despite the myriad of changes we witness and are subject to over the course of our lives, that we find it so difficult to believe we can make change for the better in our lives?  In many ways, it is a myth that you can’t change.  Even if you don’t knowingly make changes in your life, changes will inevitably occur, requiring modifications to be made.  Why wait for pressures or other people’s plans to initiate change in your life?  You have unique abilities, talents, dreams and ideals.  The biggest issue is getting in touch with how you want to use them.  You can increase your income, get out of debt, reduce your working hours or have more satisfying relationships.  However, they just don’t arrive one day.  You are the author of your life and if you want to change in a meaningful and informed manner, there is always a way.  However, there is always a price.   Are you prepared to pay the price?

As yourself the question, ‘What if I won a million dollars?’  Your answer may provide you with valuable insight into the dreams and desires you have which you only uncover in the belief that they are not attainable because you don’t have a million dollars!  Considering this question encourages you to think very carefully about what you really want and whether you are avoiding hearing it because you believe it is only attainable if there were a miracle.

Self-Reflection Exercise

Think of how you avoid making changes to your life because you don’t yet have the ideal circumstances.  Write down as much information as possible, outlining the underlying anxiety that arises when you consider making changes without those optimum circumstances.

Are you denying your freedom when you believe there is an enduring rightness in your decisions which will lead you to a point beyond which you won’t need to look any further?

Example

Imagine a woman who has entered a new relationship, believing this to be ‘the one’ which will last a lifetime.  She compares it to past relationships and is gripped with the overwhelming sense of rightness of her decision to be with the other person.  The feeling is so overwhelming that she states, with complete certainty, that she will always be together with this person.  Three years down the line, she rethinks her decision and considers that she might be better off on her own.

This example indicates how a feeling of rightness in a decision ‘at one time’ may be translated to ‘rightness for all time’.  An overwhelming feeling of certainty at one time is just that – it doesn’t mean that it will feel that way or turn out that way for all time.  This is because we cannot be certain about the thoughts, expectations, motivations and actions of others.  Also, we cannot be sure how ‘we’ will act, think or feel about things in the light of information to which we did not previously have access.

People engage in various activities to stave off the anxiety of their uncertain existence.  People engage in religious activity believing that there is an objective authority outside of themselves which preordains how things should be.  Others develop elaborate routines in their lives to increase a sense of predictability and control.  Others act out of an imposed sense of duty, believing there is a sense of rightness in how they should act.  Culture and norms further hoodwink us into believing that things can be made certain.

Uncertainty is an existential reality and to avoid it results in existing in a mindless way with more anxiety in the long run.  Anxiety is the cost of living a meaningful life, one which is uncertain and which implores us to take full responsibility for our existence.

Self Reflection Exercise

Think of examples in your own life where circumstances revealed to you that life was uncertain.  How did you manage the inevitable anxiety this provoked and how do you now live with the reality of uncertainty?