Myths of Life – Identifying and Removing the Myth of Limitation

When you’re feeling depressed, the last thing you might imagine is that you are choosing it. Surely that doesn’t make sense?

The notion of making choices in contemporary society is usually associated with conscious awareness – we are aware of certain options and then act after deciding which way to go.  Choosing something like Depression – or any other labelled experience – is viewed differently from an existential perspective.  Instead of choosing the actual experience, what if believing there is such a fixed reality as Depression was the choice?

f you adopt a perspective that Depression exists in a certain way that dictates the nature of the experience, the likely symptoms, the stages it takes or how to remove it, then it will limit the ways in which you examine your experience of it and what it means to you.   When clients tell me they are depressed, I ask then ‘So what exactly is YOUR depression about?’  – this avoids jumping to conclusions and normalising the condition in ways that miss the uniquess of the person and their experience.

This is not to minimise the suffering of someone says they have Depression or have been given that interpretation. There do appear to be symptoms that are similar to the observer – however, when I work with clients, their  experiences of the thing we all call Depression is profoundly different.  I encourage people to be open to exploring what the unique language of their depression is – so that they truly choose consciously how they want to live.  Your depression could be saving your life – I encourage you to look beyond narrowed defined interpretations to make sense of it.

I was listening to a radio program in Sydney and a campaign was being discussed on abolishing modern day slavery.  Whilst not underestimating the importance of this endeavour, it immediately made me think about the ubiquitous nature of slavery in the modern world – much of which goes undetected.

‘Slavery’ implies the violent force upon another to act against their wishes.  Despite much rhetoric about about choice and freedom to act, where in our lives are we no more than slaves because we act in ways that seem automatic or chosen within narrow constraints, beyond which options are not considered?

From this respect, what might you be a slave to?

• Consumerism?
• Conformity?
• The Pursuit of Freedom?

By just asking the question, you allow yourself to look beyond narrowly defined ways of thinking and become the ‘witness’ of your behaviour.  Living ‘in the question’ allows you to see with new eyes and live with more purpose and meaning – just be cautious that you don’t become a slave to the pursuit of this new way of seeing!

Are you denying your freedom when you are discreet, modest or embroider the truth in your interactions with others rather than being yourself?

Example

Imagine a couple are in the process of divorcing.  In an effort to avoid potential criticism or sympathy, one of the parents advises their ten-year old child not to tell people about the break-up. In a conversation with the child, an adult friend asks the child how he is.  The response is the usual ‘fine’, which surprises the friend since she believes the child must be distressed.  It becomes apparent, however, that once the child knows the friend is aware of the break-up, he is able to share his very painful and confusing feelings. What is the cost of the parent’s dishonesty?

By colluding with the desire of the mother to ‘keep things quiet’, the child was being denied his right to engage directly with his emotions and express his needs and concerns. He had appeared upbeat to the friend, maybe in an attempt to mask his real fear and pain.  Once he had been given permission to discuss the situation, he was able to put a label on what he was feeling and process what was happening to him.

Whilst we might be sympathetic to the mother’s distress, the cost of maintaining the pretence that everything in the household is fine, is very high.  Lying, in this instance, is an example of the tremendous price that is paid for lying or colluding with others’ lies. We begin to live in a non-reality and observe our lives from a distance.  In this way, we throw away our freedom.

Alice Miller (1994) has written extensively about the ways in which child development is adversely influenced by having to conform in order to be acceptable.  She suggests that the developing child intuitively conforms to what is required to be accepted in order to guarantee them a measure of existential security.

Whilst not all of us have experienced the extreme emotional deprivation that results in us not trusting our feelings at all and experience of self as separate, social and cultural pressures regularly influence us to modify our truth.  This is where we give our freedom away – all in the name of not upsetting others!

Self-Reflection Exercise

Think of examples from your life where you are regularly modest, discreet or withhold the truth to avoid upsetting someone else.  Write down what the costs and benefits of this behaviour.  Reflect on whether the costs outweigh the benefits and what would happen if you no longer colluded with others’ demands.