Myths of Life – Identifying and Removing the Myth of Limitation

Stranger in your own back yard?

Emigrating to another country is, for many, a wonderful opportunity.  It can be matched by excitement and anticipation of a new beginning and yet once the practicalities of an international move are complete and you have arrived to begin your new life, there are often unexpected emotional and psychological responses that can primarily be explained in existential terms. For refugees or those who move to avoid dangerous or war-torn conditions, the desire for safety is interwoven with the sense of powerlessness of  staying in their own country.

Even people whose first language is English find it surprising at how different it is to live in another country and they can become overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness, insecurity, nostalgia and a longing for what has been before.  Contact may be deliberately increased with friends and family who are still abroad and discussions often focus on the practical realities of the change in an attempt to assuage the anxiety.  However, deep within, there may be a much deeper yearning for ‘What was’ in terms of how ‘You experience yourself in the world’ – since you no longer feel comfortable in your own skin.

Emigration reveals the unfixed nature of our lives and the subjective reality of our lives, often overshadowed by collective cultural behaviours that hoodwink us into believing there is shared consensual experience.  In emigrating, we come face to face with the reality that how we see ourselves and who we come to be, is unique and changing Whilst  informed by social and cultural influences, we are in a culture of One.

If you are someone struggling with these existential realities – feeling alone, misunderstood and disconnected after emigrating and fearful of losing ‘what is’ and in entering the new world of ‘what is possible’, stop for a moment and take time out.  If you can bear the anxiety of this journey and resolve within yourself the existential aspect of your being, you will not be buffeted by these and other changes in quite the same way; instead, despite the anxiety that meaningful living entails, you will live with choice and presence rather than distraction and fear.

How does  a person’s sense of self change through their perception of how others see them in a partnership?

I spoke with a client recently about how uncomfortable they became infront of their friends because of their new partner’s behaviour.  Their new partner of a month was expressing his strong opinions on a subject, involving him divulging more personal information than my client was comfortable with.  In exploring this, she initially focused on the appropriateness of his self-disclosure, his insensitivity in taking centre stage and lack of respect for the listeners’ potential embarrassment at the details.  I asked her ” Describe what you are feeling as you tell me this story?’  She replied ‘I feel embarrassed – what will my friends think of me?’

In exploring this not uncommon situation, it appears that the client was not so much concerned about ‘his’behaviour as how ’she’ was seen infront of her friends – since he was her choice of partner and was acting in a way she would not have chosen for herself.  In trying to make sense of her difficult feelings of embarrassment, she was appealing (by her actions) to social myths that ‘it was inappropriate to behave like this’ – when in fact the real discomfort was that she was forced to see herself differently as she anticipated her friends would judge her by her choice of ‘him’.

Our relationships with others offer daily opportunities to come to know the unfixed nature of ourselves – our interactions with ‘our world’ including the world of others and ourselves in relation to them, reflect the phenomenological and existential nature of our existence.  With this in mind, what opportunities exist to change stuck or fixed views of ourselves – and others – that no longer serve us!

I came across a very interesting post about existential anxiety – the anxiety we all face in reconciling what it is to be alive and how to make sense of our existence.  The author Caitriona Reed of Manzanita Village in California said the following, providing food for thought:

“People deal with the basic anxiety of living, and with the awareness of time and mortality in three basic ways:

1. Through religion, magic, notions of fate, ritual etc
2. Through embracing the material world – through the acquisition of wealth, or through doctrines of social justice and social change etc  or
3. Through aestheticism, through valuing beauty – physical or moral.

Of course, all three play some part in our lives and in cultural expressions throughout history. This is only a scheme, a lens to look through for a moment.

The question is:

• Do you lean in any one direction more than the others?
• How do you deal with the basic anxiety of living?
• Are you even aware of underlying patterns of ‘anxiety’?

You might define them to yourself in another way. Would more or less focus in any one of these areas lead to greater happiness or fulfillment for you?
Is there something you can do today to change your focus? If this is too abstract, ask yourself, “What brings me most happiness? What do I truly love most?”

And – there is a specific balance between these elements that’s just right for you. And when you get it, a lot of perceived problems will disappear.”

In my experience of working with clients and students, they often consider 1 and 2 to be choices in making sense of their life.  Few it would seem see 3 ‘Embracing aestheticism through valuing beauty – physical or moral’ to be a means of dealing with the existential anxiety inherent in choosing our own being.  Focus on physical or moral beauty might be seen as conforming to social and and cultural myths.  Moral beauty – by which I believe she means focus on beauty vs ugliness in the physical, social and spiritual worlds.  However, both of these are subtle and yet profound ways of reconciling our existential angst, especially when we desire  a ‘better world’ or beauty or order in our personal lives or homes.  For more profoundly insightful work by Caitriona Reed and Michelle Benzamin-Miki, go to www.fivechanges.org